The prompt that I have chosen from Writer's Workshop for this Thursday is:
"Write about a time you disappointed yourself."
There are plenty of times that I have disappointed myself as well as those around me. There are times that I didn't speak up when I should have. Those times will haunt me forever.
There are also those times that I did speak up, but should have kept my bratty mouth shut. One of these times especially makes me want to slap myself every time I think of it, which is often. I was on a mail list with a group of Christian women. We are Christians, but we are also human and not immune to being hurt or hurting others.
She was going through an awful divorce. My birth family had just fallen to pieces and I had new children living with me in addition to my own. I needed emotional support, someone to talk to, someone not in the thick of it. I turned to my online friends and was online often, all hours of the day and night. My husband was home because he was no longer to work the job he had been working due to complications of diabetes. The children had both parents available whenever they needed us.
I don't know what happened on the list, but a rift started. This friend attacked me for being online so much with barbs such as "who's taking care of your children while you're online?
She was digging, implying that I was no kind of mother because I was online often. When someone lashes out at me and I am already under significant stress (as I was after losing my family), I strike back and strike back I did. I hit below the belt and we all know that is against the rules of any fight. I hit back with "at least I HAVE a husband" and something along the lines that we both take care of the children.
I regretted it and was dreadfully sorry the second that I hit the "send" button. If only I could have unsent it, but I couldn't. The arrow hit its mark and no matter how many letters of heartfelt apology I sent to her, I never heard from her again. She never accepted my apology. I know this put the ball in her court, so to speak, this lack of forgiveness, but I never should have cut so low a blow to someone that I had considered a friend (not to anybody, at that!).
I disappointed myself and what is worse, I know that I disappointed my grandparents watching this from Heaven's side and brought hurt to my Father in Heaven, too. I disappointed Him by not holding my tongue, by not turning the other cheek.
Please be sure to visit Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop to play along!